(Corporate Survivor Edition – HR Is Already Typing)
Opening
Good evening everybody!
Let's talk about Indonesian work culture.
A beautiful system where companies say:
"We are family."
And somehow that's supposed to be good news.
No.
My actual family already gives me stress for free.
Why would I want a second one?
Whenever a company says:
"We're like a family here."
Run.
Because it's never the rich family from a Netflix show.
It's always the dysfunctional family from a crime documentary.
Main Content
The hiring process in Indonesia is amazing.
You apply for an entry-level position.
The requirements:
Bachelor's degree.
Three years experience.
Five skills.
Two certificates.
Fluent English.
Leadership ability.
Teamwork ability.
Problem-solving ability.
And preferably born before the company was founded.
Bro...
It's an internship.
Why are you recruiting Batman?
And then the interview begins.
HR asks:
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Honestly?
Employed.
That's the dream.
But apparently the correct answer is:
"I want to contribute to the company's vision."
No I don't.
I don't even know your vision.
Your website says:
"Empowering innovation through excellence."
That means nothing.
That's corporate lorem ipsum.
And every company claims they want "passionate employees."
Passionate?
No.
I want money.
Let's stop lying to each other.
You want productivity.
I want salary.
This is not a romance.
It's a transaction.
Imagine walking into a restaurant and saying:
"I'm passionate about eating here."
No.
You have money.
They have food.
Everybody understands the arrangement.
And then there's overtime.
Indonesia's favorite unofficial hobby.
The workday ends at 5 PM.
You leave at 5 PM.
Everyone stares at you.
Like you've committed tax fraud.
"Going home already?"
No.
I'm escaping captivity.
The shift ended.
Why are you acting surprised?
Some offices treat leaving on time like a personality defect.
And let's talk about office WhatsApp groups.
The greatest violation of human rights since email.
Your working hours:
9 AM to 5 PM.
The WhatsApp group:
24 hours a day.
Messages arrive at midnight.
Sunday.
Public holidays.
Earthquakes.
It doesn't matter.
Some managers treat WhatsApp like a life-support system.
And every message begins with:
"Sorry to disturb."
If you were truly sorry...
You wouldn't send it.
And my favorite phrase:
"Quick question."
It's never quick.
Never.
The question arrives at 4:58 PM.
The answer requires three spreadsheets, two meetings, and a sacrifice to the Excel gods.
Nothing good has ever followed:
"Quick question."
Nothing.
And then there are meetings.
Meetings are incredible.
Ten people in a room.
One person talking.
Nine people wondering if they can die quietly.
The meeting could have been an email.
The email could have been a sentence.
The sentence could have been a thumbs-up emoji.
But instead we're all here aging together.
Some meetings are so pointless they should qualify as team-building exercises.
At least then we'd get snacks.
And let's discuss performance evaluations.
The annual event where your manager pretends to remember what you did all year.
"You need to be more proactive."
What does that mean?
Corporate feedback is always mysterious.
Nobody says:
"Here's the problem."
They speak in riddles.
It's like receiving career advice from a fortune cookie.
And then companies love motivational posters.
"Dream Big."
"Never Give Up."
"Success Starts With You."
Meanwhile payroll is three days late.
Maybe success should start with direct deposit.
Just a suggestion.
And don't forget company outings.
Management calls it bonding.
Employees call it mandatory happiness.
You're standing in a field at 7 AM.
Playing games you haven't enjoyed since elementary school.
A manager screams:
"LET'S BUILD TEAMWORK!"
Sir.
We would feel more connected if you increased salaries.
That would unite us instantly.
And the office hierarchy is hilarious.
The CEO says:
"We value transparency."
Managers say:
"We value transparency."
Supervisors say:
"We value transparency."
Employees say:
"What happened?"
Nobody knows.
The information disappeared somewhere between floors.
Corporate communication travels like a broken game of telephone.
And then there are LinkedIn people.
The most inspirational species on Earth.
A man gets coffee before work.
Posts:
"Lessons in leadership."
No.
You bought coffee.
Calm down, Gandhi.
Everything becomes a life lesson.
Missed a bus?
Resilience.
Dropped your phone?
Growth mindset.
Got rejected?
Personal transformation.
Bro, sometimes bad things just happen.
Not every inconvenience is a TED Talk.
And let's talk about salary discussions.
The most dangerous conversation in any office.
Employees:
"Can we discuss compensation?"
Management:
"Let's discuss gratitude."
Interesting.
Very interesting.
The electricity company doesn't accept gratitude.
My landlord isn't interested in positive energy.
Try paying rent with company values.
See what happens.
Closing
But honestly...
I respect Indonesian workers.
Because every day they survive:
Traffic.
Meetings.
Deadlines.
WhatsApp groups.
Performance reviews.
And managers who schedule a meeting to prepare for another meeting.
That's resilience.
Thank you everybody!
Give it up for Indonesian workers...
The only people who can be underpaid, overworked, sleep-deprived, stuck in traffic, answering messages at midnight...
And still reply:
"Noted, Sir."
Like absolute professionals.
